Candidate Unveils Bold Plan To Make California's Problems National
In a stunning announcement no one requested, the 2028 hopeful promised to bring the Golden State's signature solutions — gridlock, gas prices, and very nice hair — to all fifty states.
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Reporters gathered at an undisclosed location — later confirmed to be a very nice restaurant — where the candidate laid out a sweeping vision for the nation. Officials described the agenda as "ambitious," "historic," and "physically impossible," in that order.
The centerpiece is a proposed nationwide rollout of California's most beloved exports, including 90-minute commutes, the highest pump prices in the hemisphere, and a statewide ban on saying no to the press.
Critics raised concerns. The candidate's team responded by forming a task force to study the concerns, then a second task force to study the first task force. A third is reportedly under consideration.
At press time, the campaign confirmed momentum is "unstoppable," citing a poll of registered mirrors.
